the time pass by very fast..

the time pass by very fast lately..another 2 more weeks will b her b'day..i dun even dare 2 think bout it..dunno y..after the past few days..i was so scare of my memories..somtims i jus try 2 turn on my music til max when im listenin 2 music thro earphones so tat my mind will onli filled wif the songs..it'll never b free 2 think bout anythin..but the sad part is..mayb coz of tat..lately i found out tat i get very dizzy easily n my ears start 2 hurt..haizz...but i seriously very very sufferin over here..everytim i think of his b'day is near..n same goes 2 hers..how r they gonna celebrate it..think bout tis year her b'day she'll celebrate wif him..not me anymor..arhh~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!nw onli i noe..one of the world most biggest lie is..''the feelin will turn down n gone while the time pass..''BULL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!it never go away...seriously..day by day..i found out tat even nw..the love of mine 2 her still growin non stop...i love her even more every single day past..i couldnt stop tat from happenin..n i dunno how..i tried 2 smiled..but when im alone..the fake smile will jus eventually gone by itself..god~save me..i dun dare 2 end my own life..if i hv 2 choice 2 choose..plz..end it nw..take away my soul n end my life~

stop n quit..

sorry i hv 2 say..sorry...im jus..a fool..i tot learn alot during the time..i tot i grown...yea..but guess wat..2day..i suddenly realise..i grown..from a dirt..into a devil...a very..scary devil..i tot i changed into a better person..i really tot..i do..but..coz of the feelin..coz of the desire..i change..into a devil..all those posts from the past r all bull shits...shit pieces...i dun dare 2 face any1..i dun dare 2 look into ppl's eyes..i scare tat my dirty n scary face frighten ppl away..i dun dare 2 look how the worlds gonna walk away from me..i really wanna ask..wat the hell am i doin..wat the hell happened..y..y all these r happenin 2 me..i very very jealous bout the character in the japanese drama..y..y he got the chance 2 go bac 2 the past 2 correct things..y dun i..no matter how hard i pray..4 wat i ask is jus a small little chance..but i'll never get it..god strike me..punish me..hatred all around me..it was all wrong..bout as the time pass..u'll eventually 4get bout the whole thing..coz i found out tat..as it pass..the pain i gain is stronger n stronger..i wanna walk away..but my whole body is jus full of cuts n wounds...my heart jus not complete piece anymor..its all bein riped apart..nth left..empty shell..i hate tat i dunno how 2 appretiate it..i hate tat i dun hv the strenght 2 change..i strugle hard..but in the end i get nth..i've lose...totally lose..a loser..nth else but jus a piece of shit..i lost my direction..i cant see my path..i dun see the light anymor..the sentence of urs sayin ''im the 1 who choose tis path,tats y i'll do it til the end..''..tat time i really wanna tell u..if u think like tat..y dun u continue wif me..since u'r the 1 who choose tis path..but without the words bein sayin from my mouth..i giv up..i dun wanna say anythin anymor..i giv up..i dun hv the strenght anymor 2 move on...there's no use 2 strugle..i jus wanna walk away quietly..silently..dun hv the courage 2 look up 2 the world again..nw..i'll jus continue like b4..oways live under the shadow world..n will never wake up..

wishes~

yup..i jus finish watchin a japanese drama..tis drama was all around me during these whole period..the characters inside..they encourage me..2 do things i dun dare 2 do..2 say things i dun dare 2 say..they taught me alot of stuff..which i will never 4get..the courage..patients..love..faith...all of it..it was it..which i really hope i could hv share wif u..there r alot of words..which i dunno how 2use the right terms 2 let u noe..but i really hope u could watch tis drama..even tho i noe u dun like japanese drama..but..thro tat story..i reprsent wat i wanna tell u..wat i wanna let u noe..b4 tis..i dun really noe how 2 appretiate u..4 wat i noe is..nvm,u'r bside me anyway..wat i wanna tell u..i'll let u noe later..or eventually u'll noe..when it comes 2 tat day..which u decided 2 leave..i felt so regret..so regret tat i oways push things bhind..oways think tat there'll b another day..tats y..theres alot of words n sentences which i wanna tell u..but i couldnt get the chance 2..til tat..i keep on msg u..call u..talk 2 u..tell u tat i've changed..im no longer my old self..but i never really think tat..coz of tat..u were confuse again..u were scared..whether tis time am i tellin the truth..whether if u choose me again..will i give u the happiness u wan...which u oways desire of..everytim lookin at u..heard from u tat the way he treat u..how n wat he did..n after tat u told me its ok..nvm..n u'll still hv tat smile on ur face..everytim..my heart bleed non-stop..i hate myself tat i cant stop it..i hate myself y cant i jus convince u tat i'll give u the happiness u wan..i hate myself y cant i jus realise things earlier..everytim..wat i can do is onli hate myself..but wat i din really realise is..how much u need me..not wan me 2 critic wat he hv done..but wan me 2 jus tell u..its ok..i'm oways here 2 listen 2 u..even tho i noe its the hardest thing on earth..wantin me..2 sit there..n put on a very charmin smile..listen 2 ur every single words..jus like b4..n after tat..give u courage..n energy 2 move on..i noe..i cant act like b4..coz..b4 tat..i onli can watch u from far away..u'r jus like unreachable..but u'r my goddness..start from the day i 1st met u..u oreadi penetrate deep inside my heart..no matter how hard i tried 2 told u b4..u jus dun blive..coz u wasnt my 1st love..but..yes..even tho u'r not..but u'r the 1st n the onli 1..who i tried my best 2 learn every single stuff..so tat i could hv understand u more..u might tell me..i'll do tat 2 another girl in the future...but u never noe..how touch i am..whenever im sad n down..u'r the 1..the onli 1 who will jus stand bside me quietly..even tho im mad at tat time n might scold u..but u'll still keep quiet...coz u noe..i nid u..coz of everytim..no matter wat..i hv u around..tats y i never really learn how 2 appretiate u..coz i noe everytim u'll b around..tats y i dunno how 2 express myself..but i wan 2 tell u..no matter wat..no matter wat kind of girl will appear in front of my eyes the next time..even tho we might ben thro another experience..but..the time when i hv wif u..is irreplaceable...the time we cry..laugh..happy..sad..nervous..excited..1st experience of ice skatin..1st time stand infront of the crowd 2 sing 4 u..1st time tryin my very best jus 2 cycle n fetch u bac n fron 2 work..1st time pump up my courage n kneel down in front of the crowd jus 2 ask u 2 b my gf..1st time learn the real way 2 say i love u..where i really do..1st time 2 b so sure tat..coz of u around..im immortal..1st time..coz of u..i tried my very best..2 giv u the most special b'day..even tho im so poor tat i hv 2 hv empty stomach 4 a few days after tat..1st time i felt so special on my b'day coz of u..1st time i cried coz of presents..1st time..coz of u..i din slp well jus 2 stay awake n write 8070 ''i love u''..1st time i felt tat im jus around the corner of death..1st time i step in front 2 confron my fear jus 2 make u the most special girl..1st time..i hv my b'day..celebratin wif u..n the onli time..i think of buyin u a diamond ring..jus 2 see the beauty of u..hvin the love i hv 2 u..there's alot alot more..which i hv wif u..i noe..the past i din do it well..but i really love u..coz of love..i willin 2 try again..coz of lovin u..i willin 2 keep on tryin even tho i face alot of failure..coz of love..coz of love..it melt my heart down til the very zero..so tat i can n i noe how 2 look at the world from the other view..no matter wat sort of problems..parents..frens..teachers..ppl around us..i will still willin 2 stand til the very end..lookin at u..b wif u..stand up 4 u..n love u..thankyou 4 teachin me so many stuff..thank you..4 lovin me..n thank you..4 lettin me 2 noe the world..i love u..the feelin will never goes away..but thankyou..4 appearin 2 b 1 of the most importan person in my life..thank yo..4 teachim me the way...2 love u..

hate it....

another night which i couldn't get my slp well..i lost count of how many nights i been thro like this...tats y lately..im oways so tired..no matter where i go..i'll jus feel like layin on somthin n slp..but when i slp..i'll jus keep on wake up..haizz...yesterday night i had a dream..a very stupid..n stupid..n STUPID dream..i dreamt tat she get 2 noe 1 of my mom's fren..n tat aunty treat her like..argghh~i dunno how 2 say..jus..good..i was so pissed..tat i dream tat i throw all the table around me...well,tat was the 1st 1...then i woke up..n i get bac 2 slp again..the same dream...but tis time..i calm myself down..n try 2 relax..who noes..when i look up..i saw them kissin in a car..WALAO~!!!!tat time..i...arrggghhh~i quickly ran away..far away from tat ''view''...n start 2 shout...shout as loud as i could..but no voice comin out from me..no matter how hardi try 2 shout..jus..nth..everythin is sufferin inside me...nvm..i woke up again..n i dun wanna slp bac..i jus lay on the bed..suddenly..i think of..september 24th is comin..u noe wat day is tat..i bet u guys wanna noe it..its..our anniversary...WTF right...?damn it..nvm..i shoke my head as hard as i could 2 4get bout how am i gonna pass tat day..then..the next thing comin out was..tat guy's b'day is comin soon..n alot of view of how they'r gonna celebrate it 2gether..argghh~!!!!tat time..i so wish theres somthin bside me so tat i can hit myself n faint..or..or..jus cut my head off..i got so so pissed..n think of 2day..she'll b goin out wif him 2 hv breakfast 2gether..wat a great mornin i hv...early morning oreadi so many HAPPY stuff..i dunno how will it b the rest of my day..i cant tell any1 bout it..no1 4 me 2 turn into..talk wif her frens..dunno who will think tat im jus like a fly..keep flyin around their ears..talk wif my frens..they'll jus say..giv up la..jus hv fun..(if i could throw away everythin..i wont called it as love..==)talk 2 my mum..u noe..parents words..i hv.no1..no1 2 talk 2...sufferin deep..deep inside...wat i hv..is jus tis..silent blog..which no matter wat i wrote..there'll b no response...better than nth i guess..at least..it wont come out an answer sayin tat askin me 2 giv up or jus some answer which will jus make me even more sad..i hate myself..goin under this kind of life..which dunno how long will tis sufferin days will end..

randomness~

2day baby go 4 the airasia interview...well,the whole night i couldn't really slp..coz i was so worried bout her..(yea yea..u guys will b thinkin tat im so damn stupid n idiot..so if u wan 2 write bout it in comments..save it..i noe...)early in the morning..i woke up n quickly called her 2 see whether she oreadi wake up anot..coz yesterday night she had a late night slp..when i called..she oreadi woke up n well prepared...but..i guess tat time she was..nvm..after tat..i din called her..i went 2 work..but in my heart..i was sufferin..coz i really hope she could pass..n she'll get panic very easily..after work..i quickly called her 2 noe bout the result..when she told me..''i passed''..i was like..thank god~lucky u passed...but..we din really hv a long conversation..tat time i wasn't really hvin a good mood..dun ask me y..i wont tell..the feelin of confuse came bac again..n again..i really dunno wat 2 do..wat i can do nw is onli watchin her from far away..when she's hurt..i cant really gav her comfort..coz i wasnt allowed 2 do so..i felt very useless..whenever she told me bout those stuff..she dun really noe tat actually my heart was bleedin..better than onli ''pain''...i noe..b4 tis..i made alot of mistakes..but..haizz..nvm..no1 wil really blive tat one who used 2 b a prisoner will change..jus hope tat God could hv given me another chance...there's oways sadness n happiness in life..wat i noe is..im sufferin btween both..i learnt somthin new..human..was born coz of themself...not coz of the world...but..ppl around us..how they view us..it is improtant..but wat we could do bout it is..we change the view of them from bad 2 good..not waited 4 them 2 change themself..how long it takes..no1 noes..but as long as u tried..som1 will realise it..som1 like u..whos readin tis..will noe it..tats y we called it as ''LIFE''...

bad luck returnin again~??!!!!!!!!!!!!o.O

haizzz...dulan dulan oh~college nid 2 do course work in group..but..its oreadi 2nd week of scl..but..i still dunno 1 in my class...how 2 do le~aiyoyo..headache...nvm lo..2day 1st day of malaysian study(a.k.a history class)tot it would b borin..who noes..teacher jus come in n brief bit bout assignment..then after tat we can go bac le..after class..i was thinkin of goin 2 kl plaza n giv baby a surprise of sudden appear..who noes..when i called n ask where she is,she told me the class cancel..n she's hvin drinks wif her frens~then nvm lo..i asked her..later is she goin somewhere..tat time i as thinkin of findin another way 2 giv her the surprise..who noes she answer me bac..none of ur bussiness..i was like..wat the..fine..nvm..haizz..so sad..i dunno la..confusion bac again..sadness...haizz...

understand...finally...

these period im goin thro..it makes me grown..alot...i mean..i never really..well..i was surprise tat im..like tis nw..i mean...humans..r a kind of animals..which is the hardest thing 2 train in the world..they dun change easily...tats y..like me..nw..i still din change any..but i realise there's somthin..somthin we can do bout it..2 make ppl blive..2 make ppl change the point of view they hv in u..2 change ur point of view...2 tis world..n 2 ppl around u...like me..i dun really into love story stuff..but lately..i kinda fell in love wif it..not 2 say i change my hobbies..but i change my view..n i found out tat..theres alot of things tat i understand thro it..n at the same time..there's alot of regretment from it..i hate myself y i dun do things earlier...if i do so...i would hv understand alot of stuff b4 tis..n i could hv change things n prevent it from happenin like tis...i dunno whether is it 2 late 4 me..but...no matter wat..i'll still try 2 fight..tats y..i take tat challange on..come on n keep challenge me..1 day..i blive..1 day..i'll b bac the champion holder...jus like the same old time..n i'll never let it go nor slip away from my finger tips~